I'm Not Proud...I'm Just Sayin'
Situation:
You're sitting in the parking lot outside your son's place of employment, the dutiful Mother as always, there on time to pick him up, knowing you will need to sit there for at least 10 minutes as that store seems to be in a slightly different time zone, and getting off at 5...really means getting off at 5:10.
And then you see it. Coming full stride across the parking lot...a very well dressed woman, walking with that confident 'damn I'm hot' look about her. But wait...she's being followed...oh Gawd...say it ain't so...I've so often heard about it... it's a worst nightmare for some...and here it comes...right-in-front-of-ME!
There's about 3oo yards of toilet paper STUCK TO HER LEFT SHOE!!!! It's whipping wildly in the wind and she is TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS!
What I Should Have Done:
Got out of the car...making a concious effort not to become tangled in... or trip over the the flapping streamer behind her and gently taped her on the shoulder saying... "Ma'am, there's about 8 miles of toilet paper stuck to your left shoe...and I am seriously concerned it might become tangled in a hydro line...or around a small child who then might be dragged to his death...can I be of assistance removing it?"
What I Did:
Bent over double in the front seat of the car laughing to the point I thought I would yak, tears running down my cheeks...and praying that my son would be really late so I could watch this woman drive away with the toilet paper streaming out the car door. And she did!!!!
Situation:
You're in the local grocery store....cuz there's no place you'd ever ever rather be than a grocery store ...and your miffed cuz someone's crackberry keeps going off and dammit this 5 minute dash in - dash out is gonna take a half hour...at the very least. So you stand at the front of the store...waiting and waiting for someone to get off the phone and pick up whatever the hell it is you came here for. And first...you hear it...unmistakeable sound of a shopping cart bumping the display at the end of the aisle. And down it comes....two liter plastic bottles of apple juice...first couple bounce...then they begin to break open...juice is going everywhere...and the poor lady that hit it is standing in the sea of juice.... frozen...in that Home Alone pose.
What I Should Have Done:
Ran over and thrown her a rope...or at least my bag of donuts to keep her afloat in the sea of juice... or at the very least ...put in a call for a life guard and a clean up on aisle three.
What I Did:
Motioned hysterically for Mr. Crackberry to come and see this and stood pointing at this poor lady and her big mess along with the many other onlookers attracted by the sound of crashing juice bottles....no doubt making her feel all the better about what just happened. Then I went to the car and laughed my ass off....being ever so thankful it was not me who did it...this time.
Situation:
You're in line waiting to pay for Christmas things. It's a long line...cuz you're last minute as usual...but you're okay with that. You sing songs in your head to pass the time or add up the cost of your purchases with your sharp mental calculator, just to be sure you got enough money on ya to pay for it. Suddenly, you take notice of the woman in front of you...a blonde lady, smartly dressed in a nice skirt an blazer. Lovely ruffled shirt...and the shoes...ta die for. But wait...between the skirt and the shoes...is that not the hairiest pair of legs you ever seen in your whole entire life? You look again. Dammit...it is the hairest pair of legs you ever saw in your life. So you look her in the face...as if to tell her...Lady...shave your legs...or wear pants. But you notice the face has a definite 5 o'clock shadow....and finally, because you're so super bright...the lightbulb goes on....this is no lady....this is a man in women's clothes!
What I Should Have Done:
Politely introduce myself and say....in a kind and loving way..."Ma'am/Sir, I couldn't help but notice that perhaps you are alittle more novice at being a girl than I am...and because I care, may I just suggest you purchase a razor (machete) or perhaps some kind of hair removal product, cuz you had me fooled til I caught a glimps of those hairy gams, and us real girls would never be caught dead in a skirt with that action goin' on. I'd be delighted to hold your spot in line if you'd care to dash to cosmetics and get yourself a (gallon) tube of Nair....and by the way... love love love the pumps"
What I Did:
As soon as my stunning revelation sunk in, I had this absolute need to share my findings with someone. Beige Man stood waiting at the back of the cash and I did everything but strip to get his attention. When I got it, I decided, since it would have been totally impolite to just yell across the store "Hey Beige Man, I'm standing almost cheek to cheek with an honest ta Gawd Drag Queen. ( I'm a small town girl...he/she was my first 'in real life' drag queen...what can I say!) I decided to sign it...totally aware that it may not go well as Beige Man was not nearly as proficient at it as I was...I just had to tell somebody. I signed s-l-o-w-l-y. And from back of the cash I got... "what?"....mouthed of course...because we were after all...signing. I tried again...and again....all I got was "what?". I grew more and more frustrated...I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE! I switched to signing just boy then girl....and all I got mouthed back was "boy girl what?" It was then I realize the only thing stranger then the cross dresser in front of me....was the way Beige Man and I looked having this conversation. I gave up...forced to share my revelation alone....serves me right!
Situation:
You're in you children's third grade class...it's party day and you and several other Mom's are at the back of the class preparing the snacks while Mr. Q is leading a circle with the children. One of the Mom's leans over and whispers in your ear that Mr. Q's zipper is down. Now there is information you really needed....and what the hell are you going to do with it now?
What I Should Have Done:
Quickly written a note on a Barney napkin asking Mr. Q if he too found it 'drafty' in this room and would he care to maybe go outside the classroom and 'fix' the problem whilst I lead the children in a lively round of "I Love You...You Love Me"
What I Did:
Why is it when you sudden find out about something like this, that no matter how hard you try to avoid eye contact ....your eyes always go there? I turned my back and prayed that we could get thru the party with no one else being any the wiser....fat chance! Next thing I heard was the little blonde girl sitting in circle , after raising her hand of course, say "Mr Q...the horse is going to get out. " Oh-MY- GAWD! He didn't get it...so some of the other precious little children piped up...'The barn door is open".
It was so like church. You KNOW you should not laugh there, but by Gawd you can't help it. I remained facing the back of the room, shoulders shaking violently as I used every ounce of power I could muster not to buckle over in hysterics. Not one of us Mothers could dare to look another in the eye...we knew we'd loose it completely. I tried to think of sad things...dead animals...anything I could to get the last 5 minutes out of my head, finally finding an excuse to leave the classroom so I could laugh my butt off...elsewhere.
And yes...I know mine is coming...like I said...I'm not proud.
You're sitting in the parking lot outside your son's place of employment, the dutiful Mother as always, there on time to pick him up, knowing you will need to sit there for at least 10 minutes as that store seems to be in a slightly different time zone, and getting off at 5...really means getting off at 5:10.
And then you see it. Coming full stride across the parking lot...a very well dressed woman, walking with that confident 'damn I'm hot' look about her. But wait...she's being followed...oh Gawd...say it ain't so...I've so often heard about it... it's a worst nightmare for some...and here it comes...right-in-front-of-ME!
There's about 3oo yards of toilet paper STUCK TO HER LEFT SHOE!!!! It's whipping wildly in the wind and she is TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS!
What I Should Have Done:
Got out of the car...making a concious effort not to become tangled in... or trip over the the flapping streamer behind her and gently taped her on the shoulder saying... "Ma'am, there's about 8 miles of toilet paper stuck to your left shoe...and I am seriously concerned it might become tangled in a hydro line...or around a small child who then might be dragged to his death...can I be of assistance removing it?"
What I Did:
Bent over double in the front seat of the car laughing to the point I thought I would yak, tears running down my cheeks...and praying that my son would be really late so I could watch this woman drive away with the toilet paper streaming out the car door. And she did!!!!
Situation:
You're in the local grocery store....cuz there's no place you'd ever ever rather be than a grocery store ...and your miffed cuz someone's crackberry keeps going off and dammit this 5 minute dash in - dash out is gonna take a half hour...at the very least. So you stand at the front of the store...waiting and waiting for someone to get off the phone and pick up whatever the hell it is you came here for. And first...you hear it...unmistakeable sound of a shopping cart bumping the display at the end of the aisle. And down it comes....two liter plastic bottles of apple juice...first couple bounce...then they begin to break open...juice is going everywhere...and the poor lady that hit it is standing in the sea of juice.... frozen...in that Home Alone pose.
What I Should Have Done:
Ran over and thrown her a rope...or at least my bag of donuts to keep her afloat in the sea of juice... or at the very least ...put in a call for a life guard and a clean up on aisle three.
What I Did:
Motioned hysterically for Mr. Crackberry to come and see this and stood pointing at this poor lady and her big mess along with the many other onlookers attracted by the sound of crashing juice bottles....no doubt making her feel all the better about what just happened. Then I went to the car and laughed my ass off....being ever so thankful it was not me who did it...this time.
Situation:
You're in line waiting to pay for Christmas things. It's a long line...cuz you're last minute as usual...but you're okay with that. You sing songs in your head to pass the time or add up the cost of your purchases with your sharp mental calculator, just to be sure you got enough money on ya to pay for it. Suddenly, you take notice of the woman in front of you...a blonde lady, smartly dressed in a nice skirt an blazer. Lovely ruffled shirt...and the shoes...ta die for. But wait...between the skirt and the shoes...is that not the hairiest pair of legs you ever seen in your whole entire life? You look again. Dammit...it is the hairest pair of legs you ever saw in your life. So you look her in the face...as if to tell her...Lady...shave your legs...or wear pants. But you notice the face has a definite 5 o'clock shadow....and finally, because you're so super bright...the lightbulb goes on....this is no lady....this is a man in women's clothes!
What I Should Have Done:
Politely introduce myself and say....in a kind and loving way..."Ma'am/Sir, I couldn't help but notice that perhaps you are alittle more novice at being a girl than I am...and because I care, may I just suggest you purchase a razor (machete) or perhaps some kind of hair removal product, cuz you had me fooled til I caught a glimps of those hairy gams, and us real girls would never be caught dead in a skirt with that action goin' on. I'd be delighted to hold your spot in line if you'd care to dash to cosmetics and get yourself a (gallon) tube of Nair....and by the way... love love love the pumps"
What I Did:
As soon as my stunning revelation sunk in, I had this absolute need to share my findings with someone. Beige Man stood waiting at the back of the cash and I did everything but strip to get his attention. When I got it, I decided, since it would have been totally impolite to just yell across the store "Hey Beige Man, I'm standing almost cheek to cheek with an honest ta Gawd Drag Queen. ( I'm a small town girl...he/she was my first 'in real life' drag queen...what can I say!) I decided to sign it...totally aware that it may not go well as Beige Man was not nearly as proficient at it as I was...I just had to tell somebody. I signed s-l-o-w-l-y. And from back of the cash I got... "what?"....mouthed of course...because we were after all...signing. I tried again...and again....all I got was "what?". I grew more and more frustrated...I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE! I switched to signing just boy then girl....and all I got mouthed back was "boy girl what?" It was then I realize the only thing stranger then the cross dresser in front of me....was the way Beige Man and I looked having this conversation. I gave up...forced to share my revelation alone....serves me right!
Situation:
You're in you children's third grade class...it's party day and you and several other Mom's are at the back of the class preparing the snacks while Mr. Q is leading a circle with the children. One of the Mom's leans over and whispers in your ear that Mr. Q's zipper is down. Now there is information you really needed....and what the hell are you going to do with it now?
What I Should Have Done:
Quickly written a note on a Barney napkin asking Mr. Q if he too found it 'drafty' in this room and would he care to maybe go outside the classroom and 'fix' the problem whilst I lead the children in a lively round of "I Love You...You Love Me"
What I Did:
Why is it when you sudden find out about something like this, that no matter how hard you try to avoid eye contact ....your eyes always go there? I turned my back and prayed that we could get thru the party with no one else being any the wiser....fat chance! Next thing I heard was the little blonde girl sitting in circle , after raising her hand of course, say "Mr Q...the horse is going to get out. " Oh-MY- GAWD! He didn't get it...so some of the other precious little children piped up...'The barn door is open".
It was so like church. You KNOW you should not laugh there, but by Gawd you can't help it. I remained facing the back of the room, shoulders shaking violently as I used every ounce of power I could muster not to buckle over in hysterics. Not one of us Mothers could dare to look another in the eye...we knew we'd loose it completely. I tried to think of sad things...dead animals...anything I could to get the last 5 minutes out of my head, finally finding an excuse to leave the classroom so I could laugh my butt off...elsewhere.
And yes...I know mine is coming...like I said...I'm not proud.
posted by Nad at 12:06 p.m.
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