Trouble Comes A' Knockin'

Note to self:
The next time you phone for a ride home and the person on the other end of the phone actually sounds happy to pick you up...be afraid...be very afraid!

I so shoulda known. I even looked at my phone to be sure I had dialed the right number. It was all there in the almost gleeful...'sure, I'll be right there!' This is a home where I could be missing for three days and no one would notice....and when I reappeared they'd say ' Where were you...upstairs?' This is not a home so big I could be upstairs for three days and should go unnoticed... but I could.
Nope....it was clear from the get go... something big was gonna happen, if not for my dulled senses...brought on by two weeks of flat out work and long days at the Creativ Festival, I'd of picked up on it straight away and got myself to safety...surely M would hid me in her attic til the crisis passed...or Miss J woulda let me sleep in the cat house at work till it was safe to go home. ( I don't work in a cat house...really...there's one nearby...for real cats...honest...oh never mind). But oh no....I walked right into this one....eyes wide open...brain too fogged to realize it.

I get in the car, this my only day off...which really wasn't a day off...I had just spent the last seven hours looking after the guild workshop...and I want to go home... I'm tired...I want to sit and do nothing...for at least an hour before I have to get yet another gourmet meal on the table. (Okay...that's a lie...there never was gonna be a gourmet meal...that night or any other...I just wanted to veg).
I hear the car door locks engage. This is already not going well. I shoot him the look....he's already smilin'...he knows he's done it.
''We're going stove shopping."
"Pardon?"
"I want you to come look at a couple of stove"
"I'd really rather be beaten...and poked with a stick"
"I know...but we're gonna look at stoves instead"
No matter what button I pushed I could not over-ride the child lock system and jump from the moving vehicle, and if I thought there was half a chance I could fit my big @&& out the winda...I'd have done it.....stove shopping...Mother of Gawd say it ain't so.
You'd be hard pressed to find anybody anywhere who needs a new stove...wait... any stove less than I do. I'm a microwave girl who grocery shops at the 7-11.....what the hell do I need a stove for. Ooooh the fabric I could buy...a new Mega quilter....why not just burn the cash over a bonfire in the livingroom...we could cook over that!
I whine all the way into the store...trying to make him give it up...wearin' him down....makin' him realize the error in his ways....fightin' a losing battle....he musta taken a double dose of anti-bitching medicine...he is focused and determined.
And there they are...rows of white stoves...they all look the same. I am forced to stand there in my clogs and fluffy pink socks and listen to all the 'features' each white stove has...they might as well have been speakin' dutch....and I swear....my hand to God....those salespeople are trained to spot Morons in the Kitchen.....and she obviously had me pegged from the get go. While she talked to Beige Man in a normal voice....everytime she explained something to me.....I got the dumbed down version....you know....the whale talk... thhhiss buttton maakes thhe con-veekkk-shun feeeturre comme oooonnn. Like I'm 5! And even if I am 5 in the kitchen...it was horribly rude of her to point it out!
Oh ...and the kicker. Beige Mans asks which one will confuse me the most. I point....he tells her that's the one he wants...kid you not. He bought it. For those of you who think I exagerate about my inability in the kitchen....that should clear it all up for you right there. He bought a stove he is absolutely sure I will never learn to turn on.
Kinda says it all don't it.
I am seriously considering telling the delivery people they got the wrong house when they come to deliver it, cuz the only thing I can cook up at this point is Trouble!
That I'm good at!