Wanted: One Chef...Some Cooking Knowledge Required.

We are but 12 days away from Hell Week.
And what is Hell Week you ask?
Why it is the annual Tent Sale at JHS. That’s all.
And I guess I should really qualify Hell.
Hot, Energy-zapping, Labourious, Long...there you have it….HELL!
It’s an event that is long anticipated by our clients, they come out in droves, and we are very pleased to have them. It is also an event that requires a shit load of preparation on our parts, which I have to say we are getting better and better at each year, but no matter the organization...it takes tremendous physical labor to have it put together and running smoothly.
And did I mention...set up always occurs on the hottest day of the year?
Yep it does.
We’re a soaking-wet, sticky, dusty dirty pile of smelly SOB’s by the end of that day.
And way too tired to care.

Then the fun begins. We work our asses off non stop for the next 6 days trying to meet the needs of a thousand people, all at the same time, while smiling broadly and wishing silently that God would turn down the heat...just alittle, so you would no longer feel the need to puke or pass out. It’s all good!
But you know what’s really got me shakin’ in my boots about this coming Tent Sale?
The Staff Pot Luck Dinner.
You read right...I did say the Staff POT LUCK Dinner.
That means I have to cook something.
I have 11 days to figure out what I can possibly cook that won’t kill or maim anyone...or burn my house to the ground in the process.
Dear. Gawd. I. Can’t. Do. It.
This has already been keeping me awake at night. I read the cook books...lay there and envision myself going thru the recipe... step by friggin’ step, carefully checking the dictionary for all the word I don’t understand...like boil and sauté ... and just when I start to get hopeful that YES...THIS ONE I CAN DO….
I see the same Firemen in the same Haz-Mat suits breakin’ down the front door.
And I can’t even tell where it all went wrong. Til it’s too late.
I don’t get invited to many pot lucks.
I don’t take it personally. I wouldn’t invite me either.
And I do get it when I am invited...and then they eagerly suggest I be the one who brings the bottled water.
I get it...and it’s okay.
I don’t want to cheat and buy something ( and I know yer all prayin I do). I always feel like the other guest will think I am too lazy to put in the work they did on their wonderful contributions….that they whipped up...JUST LIKE THAT!
Just like friggin’ that!
Right.
I thought you could whip up Pasta Salad….just like that. No one bothered to tell me you had to cook the damn pasta before you put it in the salad. Who the hell knows things like that!
Not me!

There’s gonna be people there who don’t know me...like bigwigs and stuff, who’ve traveled a fair distance for a fine meal…and they won’t know not to eat what Nad brought. Can I hope that someone will spread the word to them before I make a lasting impression of the very worst kind?
Is saying sorry really enough?
What if I like held their hair out of the way while they puked...is that enough?
What?
Is it still cheating if you like...hire someone to do your cooking? Like say you found a (really nice looking) really competent chef who agreed to come to yer house and like do the little cooking part and you your very own self, personally put it on the serving thingie and wrapped it...can you legally say you made it yourself? Could that work?
I know I couldn’t let him make it taste too good...cuz that would be a dead give away...and honestly, I have no grandiose dreams of ever being a serious contender in the Pot Luck world ...I just want to ‘show up’ as it were….and get thru one entire evening without having to hear “What the hell is That!” fifteen times.
That’s all.
I definitely need to find a solution to this before the stress of it all kills me.
And time is running out...only 11 days.
11 little days.
I need a miracle.
And a chef.
And a pot...I guess?