Christmas Shopping at the Mall...or... Hell Just Ain't the Same Without Ya Babe!

I've been doing Christmas shopping avoidance for weeks. I know it's gotta be done...I know the longer I wait the worse it will be...and I know there are thousands just like me...and I know we will all end up in the same damned line at the same damned checkout at the same damned time.

So why is it I do this every year?

I haven't the time or money enough to pay a good shrink to figure that one out.

Far gone are the days when I swore to myself that I would never again leave the shopping til last minute...I didn't believe it as it was coming out of my mouth, it was like if I said it enough, it would happen. Never did. And now, truly it would not even work to be a year round, done by September shopper. That would have worked when my kids were little ... and thought anything they unwrapped was to die for. You could pick up stuff on sale all year long....throw in the couple of special requests they ask for close to Christmas and butta bing...Santa was a hero.

Doesn't fly around here now. My peeps are trendsetters (in their own heads) who need to have the latest and greatest. That hip and happenin' pair of short pants I got half price in August...well I can just see the look on The Boy's face when he opens them in December. I'll get the look...you know the one that says "Oh my Gawd she has lost it fer sure this time"mixed with the "She can't seriously think I could wear these this time of year" and a little bit of "Just say thank you and throw these puppies away with the wrap." And...when I explain that I knew he just loved them and he would have them for next summer ....feeling like surely this would earn me a gold star in the Mommy book....he'd tell me... in a kind and loving way...that by next summer, he'd never be caught dead in these things....they'd be so.....so......last year! Never mind that some of my things are so....so....last decade.

Nope....can't do the early shopping thing. Not, like I said, I was ever inclined to anyway...but at least this gives me, I feel, adequate justification not to.

But that's not really helping me now! It's not early....it's almost getting to be last minute again...and here I am....giftless. And honestly, I have tried to get myself to the mall many many time...but something always seems to come up...all of a sudden....there I am with socks that must be sorted...sheets that must be starched...life altering tasks that must be dealt with...and next thing ya know...too late to get to the mall...damn!

I now require a detailed list of 'wishes' from my closest family members. They even have a deadline to give it to me. I absolutely follow the philosophy of 'snooze ya loose' and the fear of getting things I choose as opposed to things they actually want is really working for me. I am still trying to sell the idea of every gift I buy... coming from the quilt shop I work in, since they all do their shopping for me at their places of business. For some reason, these males that I live with just can't dig it. EQ6 for the gamer...Designer 1 for the computer lover...and a Rowenta Iron for the neat freak....what's so wrong with that?

There is always a couple of people on my list that cause me such angst. I can never decide what to get them...and I think it is these folks that keep me stalled. I know their gift will require hours of mindless drifting from store to store...waiting for the perfect gift to just jump out at me. It rarely does, I give up and settle for something stupid just to cross them off the list....just to get outta the mall because I have had enough of the hustle and bustle... and one more Christmas song will surely make me throw up.

I do this to myself....and eventually I will do it again this year...me and thousands like me. I just gotta get started.....tomorrow.....maybe!

And people....what's with all the attitude? You're here in the mall doing your last minute shopping cuz you're a ninny like me... you knew it would be hot and crowded and there'd be long lines and less to choose from and more stress cuz time is running out....could you at least drink before you come....so you'd be a happy mellow little shopper and not the pushy shovey troll I always seem to be next to. You're really not helping with the Christmas spirit thing. We are all in this together because of our own stupidity. Be nice...be kind....and get the hell outta my way!

Who Needs Mastercard!

2meters of gray textured fabric for skirt ....... $15.95

1 meter rainbow glitter fabric for sash and ruffle......$8.95

Baubles, flowers and boingy things........$14.95

Labor costs and delivery.......... $64.95

Seeing the Captain beaming in his brand new skirt......PRICELESS!!

There are some things that money can't buy....for those there is Knotty Girlz.... guaranteed laughter anytime anywhere.

Stoney Lake...The Triogy...Final Chapter

On our last full day at the lake, I made this discovery...someone had been watching the whole time we were there...stealing glances from the window of a nearby cabin...seemingly please with what he saw, maybe wishing we would stay longer...just like we were!

We made the most of our last full day. The ladies were up and at it early, dispite the goings on the previous evening. While I can not break the code of the lake...I can only tell you my suspicions about the "early bedtime" were correct. Whilst quietly creeping to what would be our last "staff meeting"....we heard things. Many things...not the noises of sleeping people...uh uh!

But they all looked chipper in the morning... determined to get some serious sewing done that day...altho none were sewing seriously...there was lots of laughter and goofing off too...the stuff of good retreats! M and I had the morning off...but what better place to be then in the sewing room. I made bingo blocks...for the games we would play later...and she finished adding crystals to my new jeans...earning them the name Sexy pants...altho I assured everyone...I could take the sex outta sexy just by putting them on...wanton Sex Goddess I am not...that was back in The Day. Miss J went for her morning walk (still clinging to THAT story), and returned in time to yell at me before lunch. Let's just say, I definitely will never forget how to work her camera...and ain't it funny how wearing an Ipod impairs your hearing to the point where ...even tho you think you're speakin with your normal calm voice...YOU'RE YELLIN' LIKE AN OLE GUY.....and can't for the life of you figure out why everyone is staring at you with that really odd look on their face. I never do that....I'm a fully trained Ipodder.

We decided after supper...our Last Supper...we would break out the games. We used all the ladies face vases, gave them a number and hung them up. The ladies had to match the faces to the owners. Now if you recall me mentioning a little about the amount of scissor surgery that went on...you can appreciate the degree of difficulty this presented. Some rose to the challenge...guessing the majority ...some...well ...some gave it their best...and one...well ...one...despite the fact she came to the retreat with two of her very own family...still only managed to get one right...her own. Gawd love er' we had to hand out a prize for that!

You shouldn't get too teary eyed over her disaster in the face game...turns out she was sitting at the Lucky Table. Had these four been sitting in Vegas...I am sure they'd of caused an investigation. They won every single game we played that night. No one could believe it...least of all them....I just wanted to rub them for good luck. If I were them...I'da got in the car and driven at break-neck speed...to the nearest Lottery booth (and there are so many of them...up there...in the woods), for a handful of tickets. Guess where everyone will want to sit next retreat!

There was alot of complaining this eve...we had a serious problem. Seems some of the ladies were upset at the thought of having to drag home unopened 'refreshment'. The last thing we wanted was an upset retreater...so we did what we had to do....being the dedicated girls that we are...we opened Margarita Ville....formerly known as room 202. And they came in droves...all those early to bed people...those good little quilters...there they were. M and I decided to break out the bling and come to the party lookin like the absolute hipsters that we are. I gotta say our glow in the dark accessories turned a few heads...in a good way...and we were more than happy to share the wealth with a glow in the dark stir stick for everyone. And boy did they need them...there was alot of stirring going on....in the room..out on the balcony...you name it. We laughed like fools...drank like fish and collectively solved the 'refreshments' problem. What a team! There'd be a few spinning beds this night you could bet...but what a blast.

My first thought when I got up the next morning...is that today it was back to the real world...no wait...that was my second thought...my first was...could I make it to the bathroom just this once ..in the dark without tripping over something? Thankfully, our bling was still glowing and the way was lit. Too cool.

I was surprised at the number of people already up and at it. Tough cookies these quilters were. We had a little time to sew...then to lunch, and a few moments for pictures. It will be so nice to have those as a reminder of a wonderful time. No one really wanted to leave. Why is it times like these fly by so quickly.

We began the pack up. Now for some reason...I stupidly thought we'd have less personal luggage on the way back home. You would think since we had taken care of any 'refreshments' and food we brought...there should be less to cram into the back of the car. Not so. I guess our 'Christmas shopping' items took care of that...and it was truly good luck that we had found so many volunteers to help rid us of the 'refreshments', otherwise someone would have been ridin' the roof all the way home!

Many of our retreaters stayed and helped us pack up the classroom...that was so cool. Many hands do make light work and we were set and waiting when Dwayne returned to pick up our stuff....he was thankful there was less for him to cram into the truck...we did not show him the car. I put on my new mitts (thanks E!) and ran out to take a few more photos around the property. It was then I had a brush with death.

A huge giant ....thing...maybe a sea otter (yes I know we're at a lake)... leapt out of the water about a foot away from me.....turned and hissed at me! I was sure I was about to be eaten right there on the spot (okay...so maybe it was a baby...still a very dangerous wild animal...with a big hiss). We had a momentary stare down..and I decided to let him win. I ran like the chicken shit I am. So much for getting 'one' with nature.

Driving back to the real world, we decided the weekend had been a great success. Yes we had failed to find the elusive mooseman...this was true...but next time we will be even better prepared to find him...we got the outfits...and no mooseman will ever be able to resist those. Our lovely retreaters left happy and that was what it was all about. I so hope we can do this again.

Till then, you'll be happy to know, we're all dried out, rested up and back to normal. I made a skirt for a man this week...that is normal....isn't it?

Stoney Lake ...The Trilogy....Part Two

Okay...so where was I...oh yeah...at the Lake. And by the way...this may or may not be our group....and we may or may not be doing what we seemed to do alot of...I am not confirming or denying anything...cuz as you know...what happens at the lake...stays at the lake. Let's call this a re-creation...based on actual events....names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent...K?
By early afternoon on the Thursday...we had already welcomed almost all of our retreaters...I don't even know if that is a real word....but it's my blog...and I can call them what I want....right?
Anyway...it was nice to meet them all...a few I knew ...couple of more, I had seen in the store but never actually met...and some were total strangers. I would consider them all friends by the end of the weekend...they were such a nice group. They got right to work once they had settled and set up...M even managed to wrangle a handful of helpless victims....I mean willing participants to learn h-h-handpiecing. I stand firm that it is a dying art...and for good reason....and do you really think your great great gramma would've done it either if she had the fancy sewing machines we have today? I don't think so! They were brave participants...and I admire them for taking in on....I'm just totally jealous....and not near crazy enough to do it...there I said it.
We sewed the afternoon away and took a break for supper....on the heated deck. The food here was amazing. Not something Weight Watchers would endorse fer darn sure...but heck...this was a retreat...a vacation...diets were left back in the real world. Little Miss Luggage was the only one to redeem herself after all the indulgence...she went walking every morning...or so she said...there were no witnesses and after her claim that she made it almost to the highway...we found her car parked very very oddly....I'm just sayin'.
Thursday night we started the ladies on a project we would use in a contest the Saturday night...and as a commemorative to their time at the lake. It was called Not Just a Pretty Face and involved us tracing their profile onto paper and having them fold it and cut it to make a vase.
Well sir....it almost became necessary to sedate a few of them (someone didn't have enough "refreshments" at supper!) to get them to hold still and stop laughing. M and I certainly had our work cut out for us there.....not to mention all the erasing and redrawing we had to do because we couldn't stop laughing. And....let's just say....there was an unspeakable amount of plastic...er
scissor surgery performed at Stoney Lake that night. I'm not namein' names but you know who you are!!! Snow White did find probly the worst perpetrator....who cut herself into the perfect profile of the Grinch...my hand to God. What is even more interesting is how she managed to turn THAT back into the most perfect of facial profiles. Alls I can say is...if this sewing thing don't work out....the FBI need you!
We sent the ladies to bed around 10:30. Far be it from us to add to their dilinquency by keeping them up all night...not us! We were even silly enough to believe they all went to bed too....all seemed so quiet when we met for another "staff meeting". Rumors abound the next day....of card games and tequila....and I swear I heard the words "male stripper".....La la la la la....I couldn't bear to hear more (and by damn....if there was one....and you never sent him to our room....well...just see if I ever return the favour!).
What matters most...is everyone returned safe and sound to the sewing table the next morning...all accounted for...no search party necessary. They sewed all day...apart from our trips to the dinning room...but that was just to fortify themselves for some more serious sewing. Some worked away on their own thing, some continued with their vases and some took on some of the projects we offered. I just gotta say a big shout out to the Bag Ladies....who knocked those fluffy Snowflake girls outta the park...way ta go girls!
We took all the ladies out to a gift shop in a nearby town...it is a Christmas store too...the whole upper level dedicated to that festive season....all conveniently located directly across the street from the liquor store. Not sayin any of our little Angels went over there....just saying what a happy accident to find it there ...and open. That's all.
The shop is owned by Mike and Bob...not the moosemen we were lookin for....more like.....well.....reindeer men...and that's all I am sayin about that...except that it was confirmed by one of them, that they did not have tiaras...like ya might think most queens...er princesses would....not my words....theirs! Just sayin'. Anyway...ya couldn't find nicer people....they were so kind to us....keeping their shop open for us...plying the women with wine and food (like they needed plying....OMG!) We had a great time....so good in fact....certain somebodies were required to speed to get back to the Inn in order to make it for supper. The wine for dinner....coupled with the wine at the Christmas store....left some of our sewers alittle goofy....not gonna say what it did to some of the staff.....bad bad staff!
We were not so believin' when they all decided to call it a night...and go to bed....fool me once...and all that crap....this night just might call for a party patrol....can't have drinking quilters with rotary cutters running amok....not without us fer darn sure!

Stoney Lake...The Trilogy. ( Part One)

PART ONE:

Under sunny skies, with the late autumn nip in the air...the girls of JHS arrive. The drive seemed to take no time a'tall, what with the comfort of Miss J's car, the good company and the anticipation of a great week to come. Snow White navigated, M was tucked in the back with me, away from any maps, safely unable to "help" with direction...and Dwayne brought up the rear...transporting the few 'extras' we brought. I am not going to mention that ONE of us had way too much baggage ....or that it took us almost as long to unload our personal things as it did for Dwayne to unload the truck...not gonna mention it...nope.

We got our rooms assigned and began immediately to set up our sewing room....well some of us did anyway. M and I had the good sense to eat lunch at the store...Snow White and Miss J...not so much...and apparently we had taken a pass on the one GOOD Coffee Time in the world right outside Peterborough. So....they were forced to go into the woods and forage for food....not a task for the faint of heart...in Cottage Country...in the off season. It was some time later that they arrived back to the Inn, both reeking of greasy spoon and quite sure they had managed to locate the very worst resturant in the world. (Why is it that these are the resturants that are always open?) I am thinkin' this is not an error that shall see repeating come next retreat....judging from the looks of horror on their faces.

We worked away at our sewing room...turning it from bare bones blah to quilters delight pretty much before supper. Supper time...as well as any meal time at the resort is assigned. You're strongly encouraged to take note of the posted times....if you would like to eat. We were to learn as the week went on, how important this was.
Anyway, we took a break before our assigned time, to go to our rooms, unload our stuff and get our bearings. We had hoped to be sorta....all together...adjoining rooms kinda thing. Not the case. Miss J and Snow White ...second floor...Frick and Frack...main floor...near the office (it's almost like they knew we'd be trouble or something...I mean...can you really tell by looking that we might be trouble...I don't think so! Sssshhheeessss!) M and I were momentarily miffed we couldn't join the big girls upstairs. That passed quickly tho...when we discovered OUR room was right next to the sewing room...making it entirely possible to just rrrooolll oneself from the bed to the sewing room ...should that be necessary after a night of too many "refreshments"....and OUR room had a fire place AND a jacuzzi tub....very unlike some OTHER rooms. Topped off by the fact WE were not the ones climbing stairs. Nope ...we were very happy to let Snow White and Little Miss Too Much Luggage climb to the Bell Towers...we were lovin' the lower deck.

We sat for the first of many great meals...just the four of us since our girls would not be arriving til the next day, and there were no other guests at the Inn. It was this night we made the decision that since ...here we were...in the Nort'woods... we would make this week not just a sewing adventure...we would also make it a hunting trip... and why not. In my neck of the woods...all the men go huntin' in the fall...why could women not go huntin' too? So it was decided...the hunt was on...we would track down the much sought after...Great North American MooseMan. It is an allusive creature we were told, seen quite infrequently...but should you be able to bag one (cuz that's what hunters do...bag things), it could indeed change your life. Change is good....really good for some! With seventeen sets of fresh eyes arriving the next day...surely we could find one. Surely!

So it was a very productive meal, we ain't just pretty faces us girls....always thinking...especially Little Miss Too Much Luggage...who graciously offered to have the meal tab billed to room 201. Particularly kind of her...since none of us was staying in that room. Oh well...I'm sure 201 didn't mind.

We returned to the sewing room...barely in time to avoid the invasion of the Bell Men who seemed to arrive outta nowhere ...and vanish just as quickly...to other parts of the resort we can only assume. We stayed on task tho, both in our sewing room duties and our hunting....we did check to see if indeed there was a Mooseman in the midst...and we almost thought we found one. Turns out he wasn't really a Mooseman....just a stalker in Mooseman's clothing. Rats!

Now one of the strangest things about this resort...and I ain't callin' it a bad thing....just a strange thing.....is that after dinner is served...say...oh around 8:00 pm....the entire resort staff goes home. Everybody! There is no desk person...no bellman (as opposed to Bell Men), no night duty manager...nooooobooody. It's just you and the building. Now...this could be a good thing...say if you were inclined to like wandering thru the halls in you jammies...with say...open liquor...I mean "refreshments" or something like that....not that we did...nooooo.....I'm just sayin'.

We had alittle "staff meeting" to end our day... that was all. No laughing, no merriment, no open liquor...all business...all the time...honestly. We had to, after all, be totally prepared for the invasion of the quilters come noon the next day.....and that...is something you can never be too prepared for...cuz like I said...they ain't no buncha blue hairs!