It Might Not Be Pretty

It all started innocently enough…then again… these things usually do….and before you know…you’re on your way to hell in a hand basket. Funny about that!
NOT!!!!
Miss J mentioned last week that she was wanting to enter a 5K Bike to Work event in Oshawa. She was quite excited about it…and I ‘read’(thru the virtues of ESP…cuz I’m smart like that!), from her tone…she would love it if she had a ‘team’ representing the store. I mulled over the distance in my head…and decided…pfff…what’s 5K…we can do that. So I suggested she ask the staff if they would like to participate. I seriously thought many of them would jump at the chance…Seriously…I did think that.

Seriously!
She asked me to invite them.
I did.
Wrote a kind and loving email to everyone, full of team spirit and encouragement (and hey…any of you who perceived my words as a blatant attempt to shame you off your asses….I call it ENCOURAGEMENT….K? ) , expecting an overwhelmingly positive response, and looking forward to amassing The- Finest- Team- Oshawa- Has- Ever-Seen!
I so live in a Fantasy Land. It’s pretty here. No sign of reality anywhere. OBVIOUSLY.
Email after email arrived soon after, since I did, after all, and rightly so, give them the opportunity to respond, believing they would all be so so excited about the idea… and at the very least, they owed me a good (pile of bullshit) reason why they could not make it.
I never thought so many of them would be questioning my sanity. I thought that was clear.

YES I AM NUTS…for all you kind enough to ask. And a total failure too…since I only managed to shame….er…encourage three of you on to a bike. Our great team consists of 4 whole people. UGH!
You Whimps!
Never mind…we’ll go it alone…we’ll be prepared. Miss J has her private coach Lisa, Snow has been pedaling her ass around the neighborhood (second income?)…I got ON a bike for the first time in…oh 15 years….and Mr. Computer Man…well he will just have to pull all our weight (and good luck with that), since he is the only one of us who’s biked in recent history. One way or another…we will cross the finish line….One – Way – Or –Another…. Dammit!
I been hitting the pavement everyday ( not literally…yet), trying to get in some kind of shape for this. I have a brand new appreciation for 5 K’s ….not to mention a very sore butt. Miss J, Lisa the Trainer…and I went for ….what I thought would be a short training session (oh so WRONG)….10K and a near death experience later, we…no…not we….Miss J thought we could at least hold our own… ….I thought... Dear Gawd…please restore the feeling to my legs…and kick my ass if I ever do this again.
Miss J has been shopping up a storm and will definitely look the part of a professional biker. Snow turned down my suggestion she arrive with a bright feathery boa….something about her fear of ending up on the front page of a local paper (and the problem with that is??? ) but is suddenly obsessed with the thought of rain gear. OMG…I totally forgot about that…too focused on JUST SURVIVING!! I have promised her, to look high and low for my umbrella hat...which really should ease her concerns about the rain anyway, altho, it may instantly make her the media target she so fears. I am but one girl....I can't fix everything!

So...while the rest of you ...who creatively expressed your lame excuses to beg off , and your deep concerns for my menal well being, continue to sit on your asses, this little team of Rag Tags will pedal their asses to the finish line come hell or high water. We are focused and determined...pumped and practiced..... totally at peace with the back of the pack and yes...absolutely out of our minds.

And the least you could do is... come…cheer us on…root for us….and carry us back to the car!

The least........

Mental Notes

You know it’s spring when the quilt shows begin! Well, actually for some it is the return of the robins and the beautiful blooms on the trees…and for me, it’s the heavenly roar of the thousands of motorcycles hitting the road again after a long winter’s absences.
To each his own…I guess!
But you really know its spring fer sure, when the quilt shows start popping up…and I had the pleasure of attending one of the best I’ve ever seen, put on by the Durham Trillium Quilt Guild in Oshawa.
I worked it actually…I am a working girl after all.
The girls of JHS were on the road again.
And because…sometimes I feel compelled (driven) to make little mental notes …all in the name of improvement (self, working environment, business, behaviour (okay not so much), customer service , people…and so on), I thought I’d share!
Mental Notes:
1. The Captain and his crew had set up the both beautifully, many thanks for that and perhaps, if I may …a gentle little suggestion for next time. If you could leave just a tad more space for the cashier, she would be ever so grateful. Took much maneuvering to get that 4 X 4 ass in that 2 X 2 space…and oh ya….that red hook protruding from the counter door…bags were not the only thing that sat on that for much of the weekend…if you get the point…and I did…several times!
Also…whoever thought plugging in the lights behind the cash wouldn’t be a problem…you would be correct….if we ALL happened to be six feet tall! Not to worry…seems I am still really good with headstands.

2. At first glance, I assumed that the ONE under the desk accessory drawer would be adequate to hold all essentials needed for daily ops. OH HOW WRONG I WAS!
It became quickly apparent that once one of us (not mentioning any names cough cough Miss J cough cough!) unloaded the lip gloss, nail files and polish, I would be bending much further to retrieve stupid things like credit card slips, staplers and scotch tape. Maybe…a second drawer could be added….pretty pretty please…with lip gloss on top! (Note to self…lip gloss does not work as well as a Band-Aid in stemming blood flow, add a Crash Cart to travel inventory).

3. Losing phone and email reception can cause a panic attack.

4. Those big red table clothes do make nice capes and yes with enough speed… you Could probly fly Frack. We’ll test the theory next trip.

5. Mr. Bookman reads more than books…and sometimes his eyes glaze over and he gets stuck on the same page…w-a-y to long and a little Frickette Intervention is needed. Making him take photos of girls with breast enhancements, while perhaps scarring him for life, did seem to cure his eye problem.

6. Speaking of breast enhancement, ALWAYS ALWAYS do exactly what the Captain tells you…and YES the look on Mrs. H’s face when she first notices your bust enhancement….is PRICELESS!

7. We’d have made more money had that Pole been free the entire weekend. Perhaps a consideration for next set-up ….leave a six foot clearance around the pole…and for Christ sakes…is it too much to ask for alittle grease to go with it?

8. Shrink wrapping is not for wimps, as proven by the two grown adults trying to shrink wrap a small box of accessories (stupid damn tomato pincushions). Painful conclusion, besides the bruise on my thigh…he better stick to computers…I better stick to carpets…and if all else fails…call in the teenager.

9. Riding on a dolly would be more fun if Frack could run faster.

10. Being voted ‘Most Useless’ does have it’s advantages according to Frack who graciously excepted the title for the 10 minutes it took for her to figure out it was not a compliment, and then despite it all…fulfilled her commitment to the title with astounding ability. (that one makes me alittle teary).

11. Putting two folding tables on a dolly for transport to the truck is apparently a sure fired way to free Snow’s Inner Bitch. She threatened quick release if I took another step…and frankly...how could I, shakin’ in my stilettos like I was! I did the right thing…waited til they went outside…rolled them to the door…and called in the teenager! Odd that I have no problem lifting heavy things…yet put my back out when I iron…go figure!

12. It was a really great weekend, really great show, and we all worked really damned hard. Honest!
Can’t you tell by the pictures!

It's The Same In Any Language....Apparently?

إخع صخعمي ىثرثق اشرث لعثسسثي فاشف ÷ شة فقه مهىلعشم صخعمي غخع؟
ِىي هب غخع يهيو فاشف ةغ فاهقي مشىلعشلث صشس ِقشلاهؤ؟
÷ف قثشممغ هسىطفو لاعف ىهثفاثق شة ÷ لاقهلاف ثىخعلا فخ لاث شلامث فخ لثف فاث مشىلعشلث ؤاشىلثي هى ةغ ًخقي حقخلقشةز
ِىي غخع ؤشى سثث لاغ فاث حهؤفعقثو فاشف ةغ ةغ فشمثىفس يخ ىخف ثىي شف فاث نثغلاخشقيز
’ شىي ÷ ةشىشلثي فخ ةشنث ش بثص ثءفقش يخممشقس شف فاث ضعهمف ساخص صث صخقنثي فاهس صثثنثىيز ِ لهقمس لخففش يخ صاشف ش لهقمس لخففش يخز
ًث ةشيث سخ ةعؤا ةخىثغ حخمث يشىؤهىلو صث يهيىطف ثرثى ؤشقث شلاخعف فاث بهرث يخممشق لاهممس صث مخسفز
ِىغصشغو هفطس فخخ لاشي غخع ةهسسثي فاث ساخصو ةهلاف لاث شصاهمث لاثبخقث فاثقث هس شىخفاثق خىثز
÷ى فاث ةثشىفهةثو ÷ صخىيثقوووووصهمم ش اشةةثق بهء فاهس مهففمث ؤخةحعفثق حقخلامثة ÷ شة اشرهىلزززززةشغلاث ش سفهؤن خب يغىخةهفث؟ ًاهمث ÷ ىثرثق ؤمشهةثي فخ لاث ش فثؤاهثو فاهس مهففمث حقخلامثة ساخعمي لاث ثشسغ فخ بهءزززشىي غثفزززهف هس ةشنهىل ةث ىعفسز
لإاهىن ÷ صهمم سفهؤن فخ حخمث يشىؤهىل!

It Would Be Funny If It Weren't So Sad!

You know how you always see those reports on the news or in the paper about all the different kinds of ‘studies' and inquiry’s going on in the world. They are usually done by supposedly highly educated professional and cost an gazillion dollars to complete…you know the kind I mean.
Well I read one the other day…no wait…I heard it on the new…and then…when I could not believe what I heard…I went and read about it.
It caught my eye because:

A. I work with fabric.
B. I have this Love Love / Hate thing with the sun.
You better sit….this is pretty earth shattering.

Dr. Stephan Lautenschlager, a dermatologist at Triemli Hospital in Zurich, Switzerland, and his colleagues concluded:
Tightly woven, thick garments made of darkly coloured denim, wool or polyester offered the best sun protection, while cotton, linen and acetate are much less effective.

W.H.A.T?
You couldn’t tell by looking at the fabric?
This required a gazillion dollar study?
Why did they not save all that money…and just call the shop?
Even Mr. Computer Man, despite his little carpet/quilt faux pas could have cleared up this debate and saved the Swiss government untold thousands.
This didn’t need a gazillion dollars…it needed alittle common sense.
And so what now?
Did they study the effects of wearing tightly woven, thick, dark coloured wool in July? NO!
Is it preferable to die of heat stroke then an allergic reaction to the sun? NO…DEAD IS DEAD!
Ughhhhh!
I don’t know why studies like this irk me so much!

But all was not lost…I did learn something!
Snow…you were so right…ya can’t fix stupid!
I guess the one good thing about it is… it didn’t cost us a cent to find out something we already knew, it was a gift from the Swiss…our government still has all our hard earned tax dollars… stashed away waiting for another prophetic study like this to come along. Maybe we can study the sex lives of squirrels....no..no wait...we did that one already.

Something will come along...trust me!

All Hopped Up

Okay…Pop quiz for ya!

1. What’s more disturbing?
A. Still having a Christmas tree in your family room in May.
B. Just NOW noticing you still have a Christmas tree in your family room…in May.

C. Trying to figure out if it really is a Christmas tree or a drug induced hallucination (If it’s still there tomorrow…I will put it away)

2. What hurts more?
A. Falling off your stationary bike cuz you’re all hopped up on Benadryl.
B. Dropping a full jar of jam on your foot cuz you’re clumsy… and all hopped up on
Benadryl.
C. Realizing you is too stoned to be around anything that requires any kind of coordination,
thought or strength.

3. What’s the greatest discovery you’ve made today?
A. If you find you can do nothing but stare off into space…you might as well enjoy it.
B. Vacuuming with your eyes shut is not a good idea.
C. 4 Benadryl is the same as drinking a forty ouncer of hard liquor….at least!

4. What is the most frustrating?
A. Trying to find the strength to open a bag of gummies without ripping the bag to shit.
THEN finding an air tight container to put gummies in after you ripped the bag to shit.
B. Trying to sound like you really DO understand what M is saying…when any train of
thought you had…left the station hours ago.
C. Forming a complete sentence…and actually remembering what the subject is by the end
of the sentence.

5. What’s harder?
A. The cupboard door you whacked your head on.
B. Adding….anything.
C. Convincing myself…. drugs don’t affect me!

6. What made you happiest today?
A. God has provided me with yet another perfect excuse for not cooking dinner.
B. I probly won’t remember anything when I wake up.
C. Well….everything really….I’m stoned.