So Much To Do...So Little Time!

Christmas To Do List.
1. Go to the beer store.
2. Purchase candy for stocking stuffers… cus ya... we all NEED to gain a few more pounds.
3. Go to Pet Smart and get cute little reindeer antlers for cat…then get a life.
4. Wrap up Christmas presents. (Note to self…next year get the ones that wrap themselves.)
5. Finish decorating the house with (tacky tinfoil garlands) cheerful holiday trimmings.
6. Go to the beer store.
7. Begin holiday baking.
8. Call fire department to inform them you’ve just started the holiday baking and to put a truck on stand-by.
9. Insure stockings are hung by the chimney with glue…’care’ just didn’t work last year.
10. Put up caution tape and warning signs (re Christmas tree). Move box of eye protectors nearer to the front door.
11. Go to the beer store.
12. Find ‘got to have it’ video game for The Boy Who Wanted Nothing For Christmas.
13. Pick up $200.00 worth of comic books for The Boy Who Wanted Nothing For Christmas.
14. Get bank loan for $350.00 head phones for THE BOY WHO WANTED NOTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!
15. Get head Examined (see list items 12, 13, and 14.)
16. Go to the Beer Store.
17. Locate ‘safely hidden’ gifts previously stashed (Gawd knows where) in smartly thunk out spots. (note to self…this should be a priority, February doesn’t work… it seems).
18. Order Gourmet Pork Hot Dogs for Christmas dinner… at the same time step-up the campaign for the “other white meat” as an alternative for turkey.
19. Finish sewing table runner lovingly sewn for the (bitch) neighbour across the street.
20. Go to beer store.
21. Practice air kissing and warm welcoming Christmas greeting prior to guests arrival. (In front of the mirror is best ).
22. Duct tape beautiful angel to the top of the tree and see if that will keep the f’n thing in her place.
23. Refrain from using the ‘F’ word while participating in all things Christmas.
24. Issue gentle reminder about how Christmas is for “ giving” and tell certain family member who is “ giving” himself a Christmas present, he will be required to also wrap it himself as you just used up all your good will towards men.
25. Go to the beer store.
26. Rent back-hoe tractor to give house a proper cleaning.
27. Schedule (drunkin’ brawl) small intimate gathering with certain family members you have not seen in awhile.
28. Locate and purchase Twisted Sister’s new Christmas Album… A Twisted Christmas …surely named in tribute to this family.
29. Remove battery connections from family vehicle before 6:00pm Christmas Eve to avoid (the annual pilgrimage to see the same old Christmas lights you’ve seen every year for the last ten damn years) any chance of car theft over the holidays.
30. Go to the beer store.

Merry and Bright.....Or Just Plain Hideous?

Sadly, or maybe thankfully, this picture does not capture the true...shall we say 'splendor' of this tree. If you have seen it up close and in person, I know you're grateful.
We switched to the new highly energy efficient blah blah blah lights this year. Gone are the thousands of little mini lights, which for me, were the prettiest of all the lights I've seen over my life time. And how I miss them.
I don't know who thought up LED lights...perhaps someone who felt the only thing missing at Christmas...is a little more Gaudy. And really...Chirstmas is nothing if not Gaudy.
I never quite understood how we got from a baby in a manger to a fake tree with LED lights...and yet here we are...us and millions more.
I gave up doing the Christmas tree years ago. I leave that for someone else to do and by that token alone, I feel it my duty to just shut my mouth and let it happen. It was so hard this year. I could tell early on that things were going to hell in a hand basket fast. There must be a secret to LED lights and no one in this house knows it yet. We are notorious here for having alot of lights on our trees, but with mini lights...you can never really have to many...they just seem to work. I am thinking less is better with LED...way less. There are about 1800 lights on this tree, perhaps 1600 too many.
I was summoned to the tree, once all the lights had been applied. I was always very particular (okay anal) about lights when I did the tree, they are aware of that and try their best most years to do it to my liking. Walking around the corner and seeing it for the first time with the new LED lights on it ...was breath taking.
But not in a good way.
My first thought was a few strings of red peppers and some mexican sombreros would complete this nasty picture completely. These LED strings have way too many yellow, orange and red lights...and too few blue and green. I also discovered that if you walked by it too quickly...or turned your head to fast...you got light trails...the kind heroin addicts are suppose to see during their best high ever. And that's a Christmasy feeling isn't it. I could not even find words to accurately describe my horror, nor was there any chance in hell I could fake delight in it. They had worked for hours to do this...they had done it right...it was not their fault the LED lights looked soooooo hideous. But they knew it too. And there the tree sat for four days. No one wanted to start over ....no one wanted to leave it looking like it was. What to do what to do.
I had heard that squirrels love to eat the orange LED's. I am not sure why...if it reminds them of something yummy or it is those that anger them the most ( I am thinkin' it's the latter!). As some of you know, we have had several squirrel break-ins here this fall, and I found myself wishing for another...a major squirrel attack...where were those little bastards when you really needed them...sure break in an sit your little butts on my kitchen table while happily munching on MY FOOD...but when I really need them...where the hell are they?
Divine intervention wasn't going to fix this tree so the next best thing...put on enough ornaments and other assorted Christmas trimmings to 'hide' the lights.
And it worked...alittle, but I seriously doubt there are enough ornaments in the world to counteract the lights.
But we all knew we were beaten, we all knew we had better learn to love it for this year at least...and some of us learned we should not have thrown away all the mini lights so quickly cuz it's gonna cost alot to replace them for next year.
We haven't turned it on yet. We are waiting for the caution signs to be printed and the special eye protectors to come in...then we'll be ready...and safe
The joy of the season just gets better and better don't it?

I'm Not Proud...I'm Just Sayin'

Situation:
You're sitting in the parking lot outside your son's place of employment, the dutiful Mother as always, there on time to pick him up, knowing you will need to sit there for at least 10 minutes as that store seems to be in a slightly different time zone, and getting off at 5...really means getting off at 5:10.
And then you see it. Coming full stride across the parking lot...a very well dressed woman, walking with that confident 'damn I'm hot' look about her. But wait...she's being followed...oh Gawd...say it ain't so...I've so often heard about it... it's a worst nightmare for some...and here it comes...right-in-front-of-ME!
There's about 3oo yards of toilet paper STUCK TO HER LEFT SHOE!!!! It's whipping wildly in the wind and she is TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS!
What I Should Have Done:
Got out of the car...making a concious effort not to become tangled in... or trip over the the flapping streamer behind her and gently taped her on the shoulder saying... "Ma'am, there's about 8 miles of toilet paper stuck to your left shoe...and I am seriously concerned it might become tangled in a hydro line...or around a small child who then might be dragged to his death...can I be of assistance removing it?"
What I Did:
Bent over double in the front seat of the car laughing to the point I thought I would yak, tears running down my cheeks...and praying that my son would be really late so I could watch this woman drive away with the toilet paper streaming out the car door. And she did!!!!
Situation:
You're in the local grocery store....cuz there's no place you'd ever ever rather be than a grocery store ...and your miffed cuz someone's crackberry keeps going off and dammit this 5 minute dash in - dash out is gonna take a half hour...at the very least. So you stand at the front of the store...waiting and waiting for someone to get off the phone and pick up whatever the hell it is you came here for. And first...you hear it...unmistakeable sound of a shopping cart bumping the display at the end of the aisle. And down it comes....two liter plastic bottles of apple juice...first couple bounce...then they begin to break open...juice is going everywhere...and the poor lady that hit it is standing in the sea of juice.... frozen...in that Home Alone pose.
What I Should Have Done:
Ran over and thrown her a rope...or at least my bag of donuts to keep her afloat in the sea of juice... or at the very least ...put in a call for a life guard and a clean up on aisle three.
What I Did:
Motioned hysterically for Mr. Crackberry to come and see this and stood pointing at this poor lady and her big mess along with the many other onlookers attracted by the sound of crashing juice bottles....no doubt making her feel all the better about what just happened. Then I went to the car and laughed my ass off....being ever so thankful it was not me who did it...this time.
Situation:
You're in line waiting to pay for Christmas things. It's a long line...cuz you're last minute as usual...but you're okay with that. You sing songs in your head to pass the time or add up the cost of your purchases with your sharp mental calculator, just to be sure you got enough money on ya to pay for it. Suddenly, you take notice of the woman in front of you...a blonde lady, smartly dressed in a nice skirt an blazer. Lovely ruffled shirt...and the shoes...ta die for. But wait...between the skirt and the shoes...is that not the hairiest pair of legs you ever seen in your whole entire life? You look again. Dammit...it is the hairest pair of legs you ever saw in your life. So you look her in the face...as if to tell her...Lady...shave your legs...or wear pants. But you notice the face has a definite 5 o'clock shadow....and finally, because you're so super bright...the lightbulb goes on....this is no lady....this is a man in women's clothes!
What I Should Have Done:
Politely introduce myself and say....in a kind and loving way..."Ma'am/Sir, I couldn't help but notice that perhaps you are alittle more novice at being a girl than I am...and because I care, may I just suggest you purchase a razor (machete) or perhaps some kind of hair removal product, cuz you had me fooled til I caught a glimps of those hairy gams, and us real girls would never be caught dead in a skirt with that action goin' on. I'd be delighted to hold your spot in line if you'd care to dash to cosmetics and get yourself a (gallon) tube of Nair....and by the way... love love love the pumps"
What I Did:
As soon as my stunning revelation sunk in, I had this absolute need to share my findings with someone. Beige Man stood waiting at the back of the cash and I did everything but strip to get his attention. When I got it, I decided, since it would have been totally impolite to just yell across the store "Hey Beige Man, I'm standing almost cheek to cheek with an honest ta Gawd Drag Queen. ( I'm a small town girl...he/she was my first 'in real life' drag queen...what can I say!) I decided to sign it...totally aware that it may not go well as Beige Man was not nearly as proficient at it as I was...I just had to tell somebody. I signed s-l-o-w-l-y. And from back of the cash I got... "what?"....mouthed of course...because we were after all...signing. I tried again...and again....all I got was "what?". I grew more and more frustrated...I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE! I switched to signing just boy then girl....and all I got mouthed back was "boy girl what?" It was then I realize the only thing stranger then the cross dresser in front of me....was the way Beige Man and I looked having this conversation. I gave up...forced to share my revelation alone....serves me right!
Situation:
You're in you children's third grade class...it's party day and you and several other Mom's are at the back of the class preparing the snacks while Mr. Q is leading a circle with the children. One of the Mom's leans over and whispers in your ear that Mr. Q's zipper is down. Now there is information you really needed....and what the hell are you going to do with it now?
What I Should Have Done:
Quickly written a note on a Barney napkin asking Mr. Q if he too found it 'drafty' in this room and would he care to maybe go outside the classroom and 'fix' the problem whilst I lead the children in a lively round of "I Love You...You Love Me"
What I Did:
Why is it when you sudden find out about something like this, that no matter how hard you try to avoid eye contact ....your eyes always go there? I turned my back and prayed that we could get thru the party with no one else being any the wiser....fat chance! Next thing I heard was the little blonde girl sitting in circle , after raising her hand of course, say "Mr Q...the horse is going to get out. " Oh-MY- GAWD! He didn't get it...so some of the other precious little children piped up...'The barn door is open".
It was so like church. You KNOW you should not laugh there, but by Gawd you can't help it. I remained facing the back of the room, shoulders shaking violently as I used every ounce of power I could muster not to buckle over in hysterics. Not one of us Mothers could dare to look another in the eye...we knew we'd loose it completely. I tried to think of sad things...dead animals...anything I could to get the last 5 minutes out of my head, finally finding an excuse to leave the classroom so I could laugh my butt off...elsewhere.

And yes...I know mine is coming...like I said...I'm not proud.

No...It's Not A Bad Dream...It's Christmas!

Okay...incase I am hunted down and 'offed' in some miserable messy fashion ( I like fashion!), f0r outing everybody in this photo....just let me say I have enjoyed my short life as a blogger....despite the fact I have done so little of it lately ( I am recovering from a re-injured back...which, might I add was re-injured while performing yet another selfless deed for my family....this time ironing...making me absolutely sure this is God's way of telling me I am just not cut out for domestic duties...and should give them up completely....and frankly...who am I to argue).

Any way, You might be thinkin' this is a group shot, taken just before we were handed our day passes from the local psych ward ....and there might perhaps be some merit to that conclusion....but you would indeed be so wrong!

This charming little group... are the girls of JHS. The knowledgeable, professionally trained staff and instructors part of the company. But I bet you could tell that by the outfits...er I mean uniforms. And honesty...who else could pull off fashion like this if not the knowledgeable, professionally trained girls of JHS! Santa and his shrimpy little elves got nothin' on us.

And I know...we make it look so easy to look this good...but you should know we spent a considerable amount of time producing this fine fine example of Christmas spirit. Sure you can argue, since there is just slightly more than three weeks left til Christmas, that it might have been time better spent shopping for the perfect gifts for our dearly loved ones, and oh of course I could very well have gotten my Secret Sister gift sewn in the time it took to add that life-like-surely-it's-honest-ta-gawd-polar-bear fur to my once tasteful skirt...and surely another of us could have gotten herself to bed before midnight if not in earnest pursuit of the most perfect perfect furball earrings and damned sure I would not have gotten that email about glue guns and long fur.... filled with language that would bring a sailor to his knees. And we would NOT have had to threaten to hold somebody down and glue gun fur to their body!

But we all sacrifice... because we are the knowledgeable, professionally trained staff and instructors of JHS.

And if you were not so fortunate enough to have taken your place in our classroom and store this week...sucks to be you! You missed out on a great week, a great group and a whole lot of quilting....not to mention the gourmet food and beverages. The wonderful group we did have got a serious jump on their Christmas gifts....and left lookin' mighty fashionable themselves I might add...because we do like to share the wealth....of knowledge, professionalism, and (dime store treasures) tasteful holiday attire.

And seriously...would it not have been worth the drive....just to see these outfits!!!

You'll have to wait a whole year to see this again...unless of course we are picked up by the (Down Trodden)Rockettes ...or Santa decides it's time he got some REAL elves!

Just never know!!