Hauling His Ass To The Carpet

He called it a carpet!
Three times he called it a carpet!
Quilters get use to non-quilters calling their quilts...blanket. It annoys us yes...but usually we never say anything...we know it's more than a blanket...and silently hope...one day they too will appreciate the difference. No biggie.
But no one has ever called one of my quilts a CARPET!
Until Mr. Computer Man.
We did computer training yesterday. Miss J has this undying believe that she can make techno geniuses out of us all...can't say I am as confident of that...but we'll leave her to her fantasy. She so roots for us...we try...really!
Anyway...we are sitting there sucking it all in and Mr Computer Man is using the pattern cover for this table runner as an example...to show the girls how you can make changes to things...and save the original, how to rename things so you will find them and so on.
Now truth is...I was only half tuned in. By some strangely weird coincidence he chose to speak on...like the one thing I know how to do on computer.
And then I heard the word...carpet.
I immediately looked up at the big screen.....to see what he was refering to. Couldn't figure it out...but decided I had better listen up better.
I heard it again.
Now I knew I better sit up and take note. I was completely unfamiliar with the computer term 'carpet'. Was he referring to the template used in the pattern cover...could he mean the actual space allotted for the picture....was that referred to as carpet in the computer world???
I was completely stumped.
None of the other girls seemed mystified as to what the carpet was...as usual it was just me.
Do I be brave enough and ask what the carpet is...do I just pretend I know what the carpet is...then rush home and figure it out...what???
Then he says it again....just as he is placing the picture of my table runner back in the pattern cover.
It clicked!
HE CALLED MY QUILT A CARPET!
And yaaah...I called him on it. Blanket I can get passed....not so much on the carpet!
A carpet Mr. Computer Man....your standing in a quilt shop surrounded by quilters...and you call it a carpet?
I thought fer sure I was gonna be the dummy in class...thanks for the break there....a carpet?
This might be alittle hard for you to live down Mr.Computer Man.... I got a long memory.
But for now...just repeat after me....
TA-BLE RUN-NER...... TA-BLE RUN-NER!!!!
And just so ya know...this entitles me to at least 10 stupid computer question! And I can make'm good ones too!
Carpet....sssshhheeezz!

She Makes Me Mental

This is my next quilting project. Beautiful quilt isn't it? I love love love the quilts this company puts out, this is....umh...the forth one in the series for me. And...if I ever met the designer in person....why...I'd bitch slap her.
This woman makes me mental.....plain and simple.
I have had this project...and the 40 odd fabrics it requires in my possession since before Christmas. While I can't hardly wait to see it done....I have been haunted since the moment I brought it home...dreading the moment I would have to open the pattern and get started. Fortunately....so very fortunately....I had other things that took precedence and this has sat in wait...taunting me ...til now.
I opened it...slowly, bracing myself as only one who's done these patterns before could.
It didn't disappoint. It was the perfect disaster I knew it would be.
This woman could make Stephen Hawking weep.
I can not for the life of me figure out where in the name of Gawd this woman ever got her quilting methods, and half the time....I can not find any rhyme or reason to why she does things the way she does. She makes me mental...did I mention that?
When do ya figure was the last time anyone used templates to make a nine patch block? Maybe...oh...1820? Not Miss Mess With Nad's Head! Templates for nine patch....WTF?
When last did you have a pattern that called for blocks that are....are ya ready.... 4 and 9/16th.
I know where you can find one.
4 an 9/16ths are you friggin out of your mind Lady?
And...love love love the way you have divide the quilt into 'panels'. Great idea really...if only the information for each panel was all together...like so you could do one panel at a time ... pretty smart of you to scatter it all...mix it all together...like maybe the way it fell outta your brain. I am betting you have a wee problem with...organization..or holding on to a train of thought for more then 8 seconds. I am really looking forward to jumping from panel to panel as I go thru your instructions...I am thinking it won't take long before I really don't know or care what goes on what panel...it's okay...I'll have a drink and get over it.
M thinks I should write Miss City Stitcher and tell her how horrible these patterns are written...but really... would I be able to decode her email response either? I don't think so.
I'll get it together...despite her. I will hate every single moment of it...there will be swearing...lotas swearing...but it will be together by weeks end.
And it will be pretty...and I will really like it...and want one for me. And then I will remember the joy of putting it together.
It is a love hate thing I have with this City Stitcher person.
And I don't think it would be safe to ask me to teach this.
I'd be more willing to wear my black feathered bra...without a tee shirt.....and a thong!
Really.

Better than Sex

I knew you'd all be waiting with baited breath for an update on my Good Intentions, cuz they were all life changing Intentions after all...the balance of the world...no wait...universe hangs on them and all!
Well I gotta say...they are going as well as expected. I should be proud...or shot....or something.
The picture...Gummy Reindeer...my second bag this week. There I said it! How bad is that? Please don't even answer that...the truth hurts ...and I will end up consoling myself with a third bag. Oh sure ...I let M have a couple...just a couple.. while we debated whether they were really reindeer...or moose. Like that mattered you know...us brainiacks...shheezz.
I didn't do any better at work either...zoned right in on the candy dishes...scooped up the good ones (mind you ...there are no bad candy...are there?) and ate them straight away...not even smart enough to shove them in my pocket and eat them in the van. Now I got Snow on my ass...and while I want to think it's outta her concern for my addiction...sadly I think she's just pissed I got them first. Competition ...great!

And like that ain't bad enough...and Gawd help me I know it is...it ain't the worst. I went to Costco...low and behold if they don't have this giant bag of GUMMY VITAMINS!!! There is a friggin God!
I could eat Gummies AND stay healthy....Be. Still. My. Heart!
I lingered....way too long. Picked them up...felt them...ohhhh heaven.
Then sadly...that last little tinsy winsy smidgen of sense I got left kicked in. I knew I couldn't just have one a day....or even two ...since they were kids...I reasoned two would be adult dose...right...of course.
I saw it all in my head...me on the gurney...local emergency department...doctors swarming...someone looking for the stomach pump or charcoal....people talking in hushed tones.....gawking and pointing in disbelief...that a grown woman could possible overdose on Gummy Vitamins. It was the gawkers that stopped me....seriously. I still pine for them...the gummies. I need a life...really...don't I?

Drinkin' ain't going so bad...altho really...nothing to brag about yet! I did go out to dinner and have a beer. Now that would be one beer more than I had this time last January...but when I left the dining establishment...I gotta admit...I kicked my ass....I really could have done better. Like I said...I really have no fears about this Good Intention...I got lotsa backing...they'll set me straight (or stand me up) if I waiver too much on this one.
Come to think of it tho...one beer seemed to be enough to have me agree to purchase and wear a black feathered bra on the outside of my shirt....no one would do that in their right mind now would they...huh...
I got a feeling it will take my second and third beer to get me to go thru with this one.

I gotta say I have redeemed myself totally.... I feel anyway, with my accomplishments in the Ipod department. I single-handedly dragged M into the 20th century. Not quite the 21st....but hey...it was no small task getting her this far. She came kicking and screaming the entire way...it was not a pretty sight and really....could very well of advanced my progress in my More Drinking Intention....to astronomical proportions...had I not been able to keep my cool techno head about me.
But...just as she was about to grab her bonnet and run back to her little house on prairie...we had a breakthru. She is now a downloadin'-uploadin' music playin techno genius like moi! It's all good...it's all good!
And sure...I got time...there's definitely room for improvement....and I will....but first things first...there's a bag o' reindeer calling me......loudly!

Premium Service

Dialing the number for the furnace repair center.
Me: Hel….oh (as I discover it is not a real human, but that automated woman with her tricky list of options for me)
Me: @&*%# …as I realize I should have been taking notes cuz 15 options is…apparently… 14 too many for me to remember.
Hitting number one…cuz it is number 1 in importance for me to be warm today…in my opinion anyway.
Me: Hel….oh ( as I discover…it’s a test, same bitch…different options)
Choosing number one again…I’m still cold.
Me: (Insert photo of girl filing nails while listening to extremely bad elevator music….doodling…more filing…singing la la la la, doodling….finally..
George: Good morning this is George (way way too perky George), what is your problem and how can I help you with it?
Me: I have no heat George
George: Oh…that is a problem, it’s alittle nippy out there this morning!
Me: It’s alittle nippy in this morning too George.
George: I will need your name, address, phone number, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, age of first born, shoe size, bra size, country of origin, blah blah blah (okay maybe not all of those, just seemed like too many).
George: I see you are signed up for our Premium Service
Me: Yes sir, absolutely …premium service.
George: Could I also get your email…we send out “things”…sometimes.
Me: No…sorry…we already get “things”…there is no more room for “things”
…could we talk about my furnace for a minute?
George: Right…do you know what the problem is?
Me: There is no heat.
George: Yes so you mentioned, have you any idea why?
Me: (Really fighting an inner battle with Bad Nad who really wants to take some “perky” outta George) No…no idea.
George: Is there a battery in your Thermostat?
Me: No idea…how would I know that?
George: It should be visible
Me: Not visible, but the thermostat seems to be working just fine…numbers are all there…says the heats on…little flames sprouting up…just nothing but cold air coming out the vents.
George: Oh good…at least we know the power is on.
Me: Good? Silently…in my head….OMG Make it stop…while I know nothing about furnaces….I do know not to call the furnace people when the power is out!.....to George…yes the power is indeed working.
George: Is the pilot light on.
Me: I don’t know…but if it’s not…it shouldn’t take a trained professional long to figure it out and HE can relight it, I have Premium Service remember.
George: Well I could transfer you to our Technical Support Line and have one of the technicians help you through the problem.
Me: Does that mean someone will talk me through fixing my own furnace?
George: Yes that’s exactly it. Should I go ahead and transfer you?
Me: Let me think a minute ….ah…. no!
George: They’re very good and we can probly have that furnace going in no time.
Me: So part of the Premium Service package is to talk a complete furnace idiot thru fixing their own GAS furnace? (I just can’t get past this one…in my own head).
George: Well we offer that to everyone really, sometimes it is just something simple.
Me: But I don’t know my ass from a pilot light ….and I don’t know if this is just a girl thang…but frankly George…I have a little problem playing around with things that BLOW UP! ….and besides all that…I have paid enough for the Premium Service for the repair guy to move in here for 6 months…could I just have a trained professional come to my house….pretty please with sugar and 6 winter coats on top?
George: Oh….okay, if you feel this is the route to go, I will set that right up for you.
Me: Thank you.
George: I will give you a four hour window. The service technician may or may not call you at any point during this window…or it maybe a half an hour before or after this time or maybe not, but if he calls you more than twice in this window and you don’t answer, he may or may not arrive and you will then be require to phone the service center back to reschedule a repair time.
Me: WHAT? No…no… never mind, please don’t explain that again, I’m cold…and now suddenly I have a headache.
George: Please be sure to call me back if there’s any more problems while you're waiting.

I’d rather play in traffic George….or better yet…maybe I can kill time…and myself playin’ with the gas furnace!
LATER:
Turns out this furnace has no pilot light...and I am left wondering....how many flicks of the bick would it have taken to blow myself to hell?
Burning question for the day!

Whatever

If I were stupid enough to make New Year Resolutions, and I'm not sayin' I am...you can think what you want.....one of them would have been that I would make a half - assed effort to write on my Blog every day. I do enjoy it so, but it has been one of those things that always seems last on my list and I run out of time or energy by days end....not to mention how hideous the spelling becomes.
But I do think I should move it up the list...a bit anyway.
And had I truly resolved to do this.....I have already blown it haven't I? Today is not the first of the new year is it...nor even close...really.
So...had I resolved...here I would sit...not a week into the New Year....a failure! Beautiful way to start a brand new year.
But like I said...I'm not stupid enough.
I decided I would start the year with Good Intentions. And yes, I know the road to Hell is paved with good intentions...I've been there. Yet I feel some compulsion to set some....let's say....goals for the year...being very careful to choose them realistically and promising myself they are just more of a guideline than hard, set in stone rules. No pressure to succeed, just to keep them in mind throughout the year.
The Good Intentions List For 2007.
1. To Get In Shape.
I just have to decide what shape I want to be....and hellya....round is a shape! I have no intention of diving into a full fledged exercise program, that would take will power and dedication...I am sadly lacking in both areas. I did get a lovely hand-me-down stationary bike...so my good intentions will see me pedalling my ass off for say...10 minutes a day...everyday...or when I get to it...whatever!
2. Eat Less Candy.
I think I am making up for a candy-deprived childhood as my obsession with candy is reaching an unpresidented level. Not only am I constantly checking the cupboard to see if we have some...I am resorting to out and out theft at work....raiding every single candy dish left on the tables for our customers...next thing I will be just lifting the whole dish off the table and running into the washroom to sit and eat the entire thing in secrecy...a candy junkie if ever there was one. My good intention is to give it up cold turkey....or even just to steal from every second candy dish ...Whatever!
3. Stop Swearing.
While I pride myself on my linguistic ability to swear fluently in 4 different languages (and tell me that don't look good on a resume...huh?), I need to stop and reconsider the amount of nasty language that flows effortlessly from these lips...I don't like when I swear...and yet...I'm so F'n good at it. My good intention is to find alternative words....and say....instead of telling someone to F' off...just silently beat the crap out of them. They'll still get the message right? Whatever!
4. Drink More.
I never was a big drinker...which is not to say I have not at some point...Back In the Day...been out of my mind drunk, cuz I have...but I gave it up completely when I ventured into Motherhood and raised my children. But now it's time to get back into it I think...not with the goal of becoming a falling down drunk...just say...a happy occassional one. I have friends who can help me with this one...and somehow I feel this could indeed be my most successful Good Intention for 2007! Whatever!
5. Change the World.
One Ipod at a time. And it's working! But I will continue to convert each and every beautiful, wonderful, amazing, uptight, over-stressed girlfriend I have to the magical powers of the Ipod. How to tune in and tune out the world...if only for 5 minutes...of just you...and your favorite tunes. That housework goes faster, husbands go mute, children too, you become a rock star...and life is good...at least till your earbuds fall out and you hear yourself singing...but still... better than screaming. And then...I will teach them sign language so they can communicate with each other...and I know they will pick it up quickly...cuz they're smart...they already know the Captians's HAND signals...to which I say...Whatever!
6. Learn Sumpthin New.
Like...how to work the stove...or cook ...or drive...legally...with a licence...retrieve messages on my cell phone...turn on my cell phone....sumpthin...and to do it calmly, without cursing, killing anyone or incurring large amounts of property damage. Like that's gonna happen....Whatever!

Happy New Year everybody!
And ya...I'll see ya...on the Road of Good Intentions, I know you got your own, routes might be different....but eventually...we'll all end up in the same place!
Won't need a jacket either!